I wish I could be as charismatic and witty as Ginny over at That's Church, but alack, I guess I'm not there yet. My best words come when I'm overly emotional, and when that happens, not many people read them. Ah well. I will learn with time, I suppose, how to once again write for an unknown and ever-uncertain audience. For now, I beg you to forgive my occasional wordiness and my too-frequent tangents. =)
A year ago yesterday I sat on my Grandpap's couch and ate cake in celebration of his 75th birthday. "Three-quarters of a century," he said in his gravelly voice. "I've seen too damn much!"
"Aw, Grandpap, you're pretty much history walking!" I teased. "Another 25 and you'll be a museum artifact!"
He shook his head at me, half-smiling. "Nah, kiddo, you get to be my age... see your brothers and sisters die... you get to thinkin' maybe you don't wanna stick around too much longer."
I chuckled and continued eating my cake, letting the comment slide; he and my dad, they prefer realism/borderline pessimism whereas I prefer optimistic with a touch of logic. He had a few minor health problems, but he'd be fine, right?
He would have celebrated his 76th birthday yesterday. We would've all gone over, discussed the weather, roasted in the heat (his house was always SO freaking hot - he was always cold, these last few years), eaten some cake, and in typical birthday festiveness, congratulated him on making it over three-quarters of a century. He never made it, though. He had a mild heart attack in early summer, I think, and from there it was turn after turn for the worst, until one day... he was gone.
I walked to class that evening in a daze. I was numb, and stupid, and thought well, he's dead and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd already taken a long stroll around town, ending up sitting under a tree in the park staring up at the grey sky. When I got to class I sat down at my desk and stared at my hands; they were shaking. I tried wrapping up my headphones, and that was a chore. I couldn't look at anyone, and when people started asking me what was wrong, I realized I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend I wasn't devastated for even an hour and fifteen minutes, and I walked out. That was probably the first time I'd let anyone - and most were complete strangers - see how upset I was. There are a lot of reasons, and I won't list them all here. Most are personal, or family-related.
It's funny how life works sometimes... there's my Grandpap, dead not quite three months now, and then my Nana (great-grandmother, mom's side) who's going to be turning 96 here in a week and a half. Ninety-freaking-six! NOT that I begrudge her her health, of course! I love Nana. It's just... a state of life, I guess, how some live and some die. Although, I think I may rather prefer dying with my mental facilities still intact than living with dementia. Before you start stoning me, think about it... I mean, really, think about it. Losing your mind... that's scary stuff. Think about how much you wig out (or at least I do) when you can't remember where you've left your car keys. Mm, yeah. No. Thanks.
In other news, I went to see Avatar with Munna (she's my grandmother- mom's side) and it was EPIC. The trailer didn't appeal to me in the slightest - not that I was turned off by it, but it failed to catch my attention or attraction. I only went because a) I wasn't doing anything that day and b) Munna was gonna go by herself, and I know going to the movies by yourself is never any fun.
I hope everyone had a great holiday season... it's a time of mixed emotions for me, and always is. I love the holidays, and I love hanging out with my family and friends, but it gets hard, especially having an ex-stepfamily who your father estranges. In that family, my stepgrandmother - Diana - is battling cancer and a slew of problems that came with it, including botched surgeries and leaking wounds. Christmas Eve was cut a little short on that front, and I know she feels terrible about it. My (step)cousin Cole is just so freaking cute! It's so hard to believe he's two and a half already, sheesh... not that he's big for his age (Joey, the son of a family friend, is MUCH taller at the same age) but he speaks so clearly and thinks so intelligently. I hope he goes far. =) My mom worked Christmas this year, but we still all got together to eat a late lunch and exchange gifts mid-afternoon. In the morning, Alan and I went to our dad's to exchange gifts and visit. I ended up not feeling well (tired, cranky, overate) the night of Christmas Day, and so I didn't go back out, which spawned some major disagreement which I will not delve into here; suffice to say I didn't speak to my father until I wished him a Happy New Year after midnight, at a time I was sick (throwing up, fever, headache)... just because I love him.
I'm glad I have such an awesome family to spend the holidays with because it's this time of year especially that I get kind of heart-sick for what some of my friends have - someone to call their own. I'm not the type to pine after a relationship, mind you, it's just a little envy-provoking.
So in more worldly news, the Steelers missed the playoffs, the Pens are in a slump and everybody's jumping ship (jokes) [imo true fans follow their team through Hell if that's where the team goes - I've noticed this to be particularly true of our peculiar breed a.k.a. Pittsburgh fans], and the countdown to the Winter Olympics have begun. Of course I'm cheering on my country (U-S-A! U-S-A!) but I can appreciate that alongside Orpik playing for his country (us, duh) another four of the Pens are representing their home nations- Sidney Crosby (A) and Marc-Andry Fleury for Canada and Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar for Russia. Woooo! Pens talent repreSENT. (Ok, ok, so I'm not gangster. Or remotely close. I can dream, can't I?) Another cool article for mention is this young woman, who graduated from RMU, which is just too cool not to mention. I mean how sweet is it that this girl from OHIO who went to school at RMU is playing in the freaking OLYMPICS? I thought it was sweet, anyway. Also worth mentioning is the World Junior Championships, which hey, I had no idea existed until about two weeks ago, when my Twitter feed when apeshit over it. Haha. I'm currently only tracking the listings, not trying to catch the games, of course cheering for Team USA. Everyone deserves fans. ;)
I think that about wraps it up; there are so many things to discuss, and so little space here - this layout feels cramped, very narrow. I need to find a new one/have somebody write me a code/figure out these base codes and make my own, but I'm way too lazy for that right now! I guess I shouldn't miss out on over a week of posting, my train of thought wrecks. Haha. Here's to another week of break!
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