... and no, I don't mean miles per hour. Common abbreviation, I know. What I want to portray, though, has nothing to do with speed - unless it's how fast I'm getting to the gym.
Mental and Physical Health. MPH.
I wish there were a speedometer for this kind of MPH.
What prompted today's post was something so trivial, something so ritualistic to anyone in the U.S. who has ever held a driver's license. I went to get my new license, and as everyone knows, you get a new picture taken.
I am overweight.
Now, dont' run away in a panic. This isn't a "woe is me, I'm so unpretty, I'll never be loved, I look horrible" cue-the-tears-and-dramatic-music. This is simply a reality check, mostly for my own benefit. I'm by no means obese. I'm a fully-functional, mobile young adult. But... I've gained a lot of weight, most of it in the last year. I am very unhappy with the way that I look right now - No, not in comparison to America's ideal woman, but compared to the way I've looked before. Summer of '08 I joined a jujitsu class, and I really got into shape for the first time in my life. I was toned, I felt great, and most importantly, my asthma was pretty well-controlled. That is, I could endure far more in my day-to-day life - I really only needed my inhaler during sparring sessions. It was AMAZING.
I kept up pretty well for a while even after having to drop the course due to school. And then my classes got harder. I dealt. I was OK.
And then people started dying.
I have come to realize that although I can combat stress-eating, I cannot resist grief-eating. It's too much of a knee-jerk response. I don't show grief well. Alan's the emotional one - I'm the strong, rational one. At least to save face. Maybe I seem cold. Either way, my sorrow gets stomped on, and I seal it up and move on. Who wants to deal with that? I don't. I have shit to do, stuff to finish. So... I ate. I ate pretty much anything available, because if I felt full I could feel "content." Or I had an upset stomach to worry about and could sleep away the world.
Unhealthy. I know that. You don't have to tell me. For a while, it was OK. I was still exercising, so it didn't take hold at first. Then everything went downhill. The funeral count was going up and then I got academic probation. Hoo boy.
I am 5'3" and I weigh almost 170 lbs.
I say almost because I don't have the guts to go weigh myself. It was a little under that when I was weighed at the end of last semester, when I had to go in for my ear infections.
I'm always at the upper end of my BMI - just the way I'm built. I won't starve myself to try to look like a model. But this is ridiculous. I was a solid 144 lbs when I took jujitsu - "overweight" by BMI standards but I was solid muscle and damn, I looked pretty good. I just want to get back there. I'm going to start tracking my MPH, and that's part of the reason I'm here, on my blog. The first step is admitting you have a problem.
The second step's a doozy.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
clock in slow motion
I've not written much over break. I'm also not pimping my blog on Twitter anymore. I mean, the link's there. But I figure, if people really want to know me or know what I talk about, they'll find me. Eventually I may even find a way to integrate this with my Facebook feed? Yeah... I'm not real good with cross-referencing stuff, so that may be a while. I'm thinking about cross-posting to Xanga and MySpace, too. (Yes, I'm still on there, and they are private, so I wouldn't try if I were you unless you're a friend IRL. I try to spare the internet my share of personal woes.)
I feel like break went so fast! Then, I think the idea of school puts me off a bit, being on academic probation and everything. It's kind of like horseback riding. You know you can do it, but then you get so complacent that you do something stupid - you stop paying attention, you don't tighten the girth right - and WHAM! Your horse takes off and you're eating dirt, the wind knocked out of you as you stare up into the branches. Granted, school isn't exactly the same. I cannot pinpoint for you exactly what I did, what motions I did or did not go through, that caused my grades to reflect my brain so poorly. But the concept is the same: back in the saddle. You gotta get up there and ride again, because if you don't now, you never know when you will.
And I've fallen off my share of horses.
That off my chest, I'll admit I'm trying to be optimistic about this semester. I've already gotten wayward reviews of a few professors - we shall have to see, I'll save judgment - and I'm down to 15 instead of 18 credits, which is shitty when compared to say, the 12 I thought I was going to get away with, but FAR better than a full courseload. My birthday's Monday, and I'll be spending it in Clarion, hopefully prepping for the start of classes on Tuesday. My plan is to leave Sunday after church, since I'll already be in Kittanning. Unfortunately, I haven't even started packing... urgh.
I haven't gotten to do a lot of the stuff I wished to over break. I DID get to go ice skating, which was a brilliant time with Radish and Jade, much-needed for the three of us. Primanti's afterwards was the icing on the cake. I did not, however, go visit Grandma Thelma in her new apartment, or see my Dad as much as I'd have liked... Honestly, it's really hard for me to explain if you don't have divorced parents, but finding time - no, not finding time. MAKING time to go see the one you don't predominantly live with is really difficult, especially when you're at that awkward stage between teen and adult. (In my case there are also many more factors to the ugly situation, but I'll spare you the details.) I am still at that age in the childhood mindset of "if he wants to see me, he'll make the plans." The adult part of me responds with, "Well he thinks you're a big girl now, you have to make plans with him." Can't I have a fucking compromise? For Christ's sake, I'm 21 and a student, not a full-time working adult where I have to pencil you in for you to get some time with me. I wish sometimes, perhaps selfishly, that he'd make more of an effort to make plans with ME, instead of always waiting on me to make plans with him and in the interim making me feel guilty that I'm not at that very moment. I apologize that our similarities in interest end with music and family. Even the latter is strained occasionally. Believe me, I wish I could be like my brother, mechanically inclined and able to help him out in the garage, to give me that excuse of time with him. But no, if I go over and we have nothing planned, we kinda just sit around and stare at each other. Unless we turn on the TV, and don't get me wrong, we've watched some pretty cool informational shows. But... yeah.
I've found that there can be an abundance of stupid, petty arguments on Twitter - and this is only a recent discovery because when I followed very few people, this was a rare occurrence. The topic can range from Mac v. PC (so tired of that) or ATT v. Verizon (also beat to death) to Pens Fan v Puck Bunny. I'm slowly learning to tune it out, but peacemaker that I am, it's a hard thing for me to do.
Blogging this right now also keeps my mind off of Haiti.
In other news, today - er, yesterday, Friday - was my great-grandmother's 96th birthday.
In other news... I lead a pretty sad excuse for a life.
I feel like break went so fast! Then, I think the idea of school puts me off a bit, being on academic probation and everything. It's kind of like horseback riding. You know you can do it, but then you get so complacent that you do something stupid - you stop paying attention, you don't tighten the girth right - and WHAM! Your horse takes off and you're eating dirt, the wind knocked out of you as you stare up into the branches. Granted, school isn't exactly the same. I cannot pinpoint for you exactly what I did, what motions I did or did not go through, that caused my grades to reflect my brain so poorly. But the concept is the same: back in the saddle. You gotta get up there and ride again, because if you don't now, you never know when you will.
And I've fallen off my share of horses.
That off my chest, I'll admit I'm trying to be optimistic about this semester. I've already gotten wayward reviews of a few professors - we shall have to see, I'll save judgment - and I'm down to 15 instead of 18 credits, which is shitty when compared to say, the 12 I thought I was going to get away with, but FAR better than a full courseload. My birthday's Monday, and I'll be spending it in Clarion, hopefully prepping for the start of classes on Tuesday. My plan is to leave Sunday after church, since I'll already be in Kittanning. Unfortunately, I haven't even started packing... urgh.
I haven't gotten to do a lot of the stuff I wished to over break. I DID get to go ice skating, which was a brilliant time with Radish and Jade, much-needed for the three of us. Primanti's afterwards was the icing on the cake. I did not, however, go visit Grandma Thelma in her new apartment, or see my Dad as much as I'd have liked... Honestly, it's really hard for me to explain if you don't have divorced parents, but finding time - no, not finding time. MAKING time to go see the one you don't predominantly live with is really difficult, especially when you're at that awkward stage between teen and adult. (In my case there are also many more factors to the ugly situation, but I'll spare you the details.) I am still at that age in the childhood mindset of "if he wants to see me, he'll make the plans." The adult part of me responds with, "Well he thinks you're a big girl now, you have to make plans with him." Can't I have a fucking compromise? For Christ's sake, I'm 21 and a student, not a full-time working adult where I have to pencil you in for you to get some time with me. I wish sometimes, perhaps selfishly, that he'd make more of an effort to make plans with ME, instead of always waiting on me to make plans with him and in the interim making me feel guilty that I'm not at that very moment. I apologize that our similarities in interest end with music and family. Even the latter is strained occasionally. Believe me, I wish I could be like my brother, mechanically inclined and able to help him out in the garage, to give me that excuse of time with him. But no, if I go over and we have nothing planned, we kinda just sit around and stare at each other. Unless we turn on the TV, and don't get me wrong, we've watched some pretty cool informational shows. But... yeah.
I've found that there can be an abundance of stupid, petty arguments on Twitter - and this is only a recent discovery because when I followed very few people, this was a rare occurrence. The topic can range from Mac v. PC (so tired of that) or ATT v. Verizon (also beat to death) to Pens Fan v Puck Bunny. I'm slowly learning to tune it out, but peacemaker that I am, it's a hard thing for me to do.
Blogging this right now also keeps my mind off of Haiti.
In other news, today - er, yesterday, Friday - was my great-grandmother's 96th birthday.
In other news... I lead a pretty sad excuse for a life.
Monday, January 4, 2010
another bridge to clarity
I wish I could be as charismatic and witty as Ginny over at That's Church, but alack, I guess I'm not there yet. My best words come when I'm overly emotional, and when that happens, not many people read them. Ah well. I will learn with time, I suppose, how to once again write for an unknown and ever-uncertain audience. For now, I beg you to forgive my occasional wordiness and my too-frequent tangents. =)
A year ago yesterday I sat on my Grandpap's couch and ate cake in celebration of his 75th birthday. "Three-quarters of a century," he said in his gravelly voice. "I've seen too damn much!"
"Aw, Grandpap, you're pretty much history walking!" I teased. "Another 25 and you'll be a museum artifact!"
He shook his head at me, half-smiling. "Nah, kiddo, you get to be my age... see your brothers and sisters die... you get to thinkin' maybe you don't wanna stick around too much longer."
I chuckled and continued eating my cake, letting the comment slide; he and my dad, they prefer realism/borderline pessimism whereas I prefer optimistic with a touch of logic. He had a few minor health problems, but he'd be fine, right?
He would have celebrated his 76th birthday yesterday. We would've all gone over, discussed the weather, roasted in the heat (his house was always SO freaking hot - he was always cold, these last few years), eaten some cake, and in typical birthday festiveness, congratulated him on making it over three-quarters of a century. He never made it, though. He had a mild heart attack in early summer, I think, and from there it was turn after turn for the worst, until one day... he was gone.
I walked to class that evening in a daze. I was numb, and stupid, and thought well, he's dead and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd already taken a long stroll around town, ending up sitting under a tree in the park staring up at the grey sky. When I got to class I sat down at my desk and stared at my hands; they were shaking. I tried wrapping up my headphones, and that was a chore. I couldn't look at anyone, and when people started asking me what was wrong, I realized I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend I wasn't devastated for even an hour and fifteen minutes, and I walked out. That was probably the first time I'd let anyone - and most were complete strangers - see how upset I was. There are a lot of reasons, and I won't list them all here. Most are personal, or family-related.
It's funny how life works sometimes... there's my Grandpap, dead not quite three months now, and then my Nana (great-grandmother, mom's side) who's going to be turning 96 here in a week and a half. Ninety-freaking-six! NOT that I begrudge her her health, of course! I love Nana. It's just... a state of life, I guess, how some live and some die. Although, I think I may rather prefer dying with my mental facilities still intact than living with dementia. Before you start stoning me, think about it... I mean, really, think about it. Losing your mind... that's scary stuff. Think about how much you wig out (or at least I do) when you can't remember where you've left your car keys. Mm, yeah. No. Thanks.
In other news, I went to see Avatar with Munna (she's my grandmother- mom's side) and it was EPIC. The trailer didn't appeal to me in the slightest - not that I was turned off by it, but it failed to catch my attention or attraction. I only went because a) I wasn't doing anything that day and b) Munna was gonna go by herself, and I know going to the movies by yourself is never any fun.
I hope everyone had a great holiday season... it's a time of mixed emotions for me, and always is. I love the holidays, and I love hanging out with my family and friends, but it gets hard, especially having an ex-stepfamily who your father estranges. In that family, my stepgrandmother - Diana - is battling cancer and a slew of problems that came with it, including botched surgeries and leaking wounds. Christmas Eve was cut a little short on that front, and I know she feels terrible about it. My (step)cousin Cole is just so freaking cute! It's so hard to believe he's two and a half already, sheesh... not that he's big for his age (Joey, the son of a family friend, is MUCH taller at the same age) but he speaks so clearly and thinks so intelligently. I hope he goes far. =) My mom worked Christmas this year, but we still all got together to eat a late lunch and exchange gifts mid-afternoon. In the morning, Alan and I went to our dad's to exchange gifts and visit. I ended up not feeling well (tired, cranky, overate) the night of Christmas Day, and so I didn't go back out, which spawned some major disagreement which I will not delve into here; suffice to say I didn't speak to my father until I wished him a Happy New Year after midnight, at a time I was sick (throwing up, fever, headache)... just because I love him.
I'm glad I have such an awesome family to spend the holidays with because it's this time of year especially that I get kind of heart-sick for what some of my friends have - someone to call their own. I'm not the type to pine after a relationship, mind you, it's just a little envy-provoking.
So in more worldly news, the Steelers missed the playoffs, the Pens are in a slump and everybody's jumping ship (jokes) [imo true fans follow their team through Hell if that's where the team goes - I've noticed this to be particularly true of our peculiar breed a.k.a. Pittsburgh fans], and the countdown to the Winter Olympics have begun. Of course I'm cheering on my country (U-S-A! U-S-A!) but I can appreciate that alongside Orpik playing for his country (us, duh) another four of the Pens are representing their home nations- Sidney Crosby (A) and Marc-Andry Fleury for Canada and Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar for Russia. Woooo! Pens talent repreSENT. (Ok, ok, so I'm not gangster. Or remotely close. I can dream, can't I?) Another cool article for mention is this young woman, who graduated from RMU, which is just too cool not to mention. I mean how sweet is it that this girl from OHIO who went to school at RMU is playing in the freaking OLYMPICS? I thought it was sweet, anyway. Also worth mentioning is the World Junior Championships, which hey, I had no idea existed until about two weeks ago, when my Twitter feed when apeshit over it. Haha. I'm currently only tracking the listings, not trying to catch the games, of course cheering for Team USA. Everyone deserves fans. ;)
I think that about wraps it up; there are so many things to discuss, and so little space here - this layout feels cramped, very narrow. I need to find a new one/have somebody write me a code/figure out these base codes and make my own, but I'm way too lazy for that right now! I guess I shouldn't miss out on over a week of posting, my train of thought wrecks. Haha. Here's to another week of break!
A year ago yesterday I sat on my Grandpap's couch and ate cake in celebration of his 75th birthday. "Three-quarters of a century," he said in his gravelly voice. "I've seen too damn much!"
"Aw, Grandpap, you're pretty much history walking!" I teased. "Another 25 and you'll be a museum artifact!"
He shook his head at me, half-smiling. "Nah, kiddo, you get to be my age... see your brothers and sisters die... you get to thinkin' maybe you don't wanna stick around too much longer."
I chuckled and continued eating my cake, letting the comment slide; he and my dad, they prefer realism/borderline pessimism whereas I prefer optimistic with a touch of logic. He had a few minor health problems, but he'd be fine, right?
He would have celebrated his 76th birthday yesterday. We would've all gone over, discussed the weather, roasted in the heat (his house was always SO freaking hot - he was always cold, these last few years), eaten some cake, and in typical birthday festiveness, congratulated him on making it over three-quarters of a century. He never made it, though. He had a mild heart attack in early summer, I think, and from there it was turn after turn for the worst, until one day... he was gone.
I walked to class that evening in a daze. I was numb, and stupid, and thought well, he's dead and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd already taken a long stroll around town, ending up sitting under a tree in the park staring up at the grey sky. When I got to class I sat down at my desk and stared at my hands; they were shaking. I tried wrapping up my headphones, and that was a chore. I couldn't look at anyone, and when people started asking me what was wrong, I realized I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend I wasn't devastated for even an hour and fifteen minutes, and I walked out. That was probably the first time I'd let anyone - and most were complete strangers - see how upset I was. There are a lot of reasons, and I won't list them all here. Most are personal, or family-related.
It's funny how life works sometimes... there's my Grandpap, dead not quite three months now, and then my Nana (great-grandmother, mom's side) who's going to be turning 96 here in a week and a half. Ninety-freaking-six! NOT that I begrudge her her health, of course! I love Nana. It's just... a state of life, I guess, how some live and some die. Although, I think I may rather prefer dying with my mental facilities still intact than living with dementia. Before you start stoning me, think about it... I mean, really, think about it. Losing your mind... that's scary stuff. Think about how much you wig out (or at least I do) when you can't remember where you've left your car keys. Mm, yeah. No. Thanks.
In other news, I went to see Avatar with Munna (she's my grandmother- mom's side) and it was EPIC. The trailer didn't appeal to me in the slightest - not that I was turned off by it, but it failed to catch my attention or attraction. I only went because a) I wasn't doing anything that day and b) Munna was gonna go by herself, and I know going to the movies by yourself is never any fun.
I hope everyone had a great holiday season... it's a time of mixed emotions for me, and always is. I love the holidays, and I love hanging out with my family and friends, but it gets hard, especially having an ex-stepfamily who your father estranges. In that family, my stepgrandmother - Diana - is battling cancer and a slew of problems that came with it, including botched surgeries and leaking wounds. Christmas Eve was cut a little short on that front, and I know she feels terrible about it. My (step)cousin Cole is just so freaking cute! It's so hard to believe he's two and a half already, sheesh... not that he's big for his age (Joey, the son of a family friend, is MUCH taller at the same age) but he speaks so clearly and thinks so intelligently. I hope he goes far. =) My mom worked Christmas this year, but we still all got together to eat a late lunch and exchange gifts mid-afternoon. In the morning, Alan and I went to our dad's to exchange gifts and visit. I ended up not feeling well (tired, cranky, overate) the night of Christmas Day, and so I didn't go back out, which spawned some major disagreement which I will not delve into here; suffice to say I didn't speak to my father until I wished him a Happy New Year after midnight, at a time I was sick (throwing up, fever, headache)... just because I love him.
I'm glad I have such an awesome family to spend the holidays with because it's this time of year especially that I get kind of heart-sick for what some of my friends have - someone to call their own. I'm not the type to pine after a relationship, mind you, it's just a little envy-provoking.
So in more worldly news, the Steelers missed the playoffs, the Pens are in a slump and everybody's jumping ship (jokes) [imo true fans follow their team through Hell if that's where the team goes - I've noticed this to be particularly true of our peculiar breed a.k.a. Pittsburgh fans], and the countdown to the Winter Olympics have begun. Of course I'm cheering on my country (U-S-A! U-S-A!) but I can appreciate that alongside Orpik playing for his country (us, duh) another four of the Pens are representing their home nations- Sidney Crosby (A) and Marc-Andry Fleury for Canada and Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar for Russia. Woooo! Pens talent repreSENT. (Ok, ok, so I'm not gangster. Or remotely close. I can dream, can't I?) Another cool article for mention is this young woman, who graduated from RMU, which is just too cool not to mention. I mean how sweet is it that this girl from OHIO who went to school at RMU is playing in the freaking OLYMPICS? I thought it was sweet, anyway. Also worth mentioning is the World Junior Championships, which hey, I had no idea existed until about two weeks ago, when my Twitter feed when apeshit over it. Haha. I'm currently only tracking the listings, not trying to catch the games, of course cheering for Team USA. Everyone deserves fans. ;)
I think that about wraps it up; there are so many things to discuss, and so little space here - this layout feels cramped, very narrow. I need to find a new one/have somebody write me a code/figure out these base codes and make my own, but I'm way too lazy for that right now! I guess I shouldn't miss out on over a week of posting, my train of thought wrecks. Haha. Here's to another week of break!
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