a rush of blood to the head

Adrenaline is such a fickle thing. It can so easily transfer from ecstasy to fury, as I know from past incidents and am experiencing again. Right now.

I told myself I wouldn't rant and rave in this blog, because I wanted to keep it rather... not lighthearted, just perhaps maybe a tad less personal, less burdening and more uplifting. Well, fuck that. Any self-imposed rules just got pitched out the window because brother, let me tell you, I AM PISSED OFF.

My Christmas Eve is ruined. No, this is not an melodramatic statement. Backtrack to a few weeks ago, when I call in to schedule at work (i.e., tell them when I'm coming home and what I can work if there are any restrictions). They tell me that my manager already HAS the schedule done... days ahead of time. Ooook. That kind of blows. So I write down my hours and realize that I'm scheduled for Christmas Eve day, 11-8:40. Since we close at 8 tomorrow - well, tonight, I suppose - this is a ten hour closing shift. Not only does that SUCK, but I always, always, always sing on Christmas Eve in the church choir, and THEN to top it off I rush over to the local V.F.W. to participate in my stepfamily's Christmas Eve dinner (something that almost tries to be the feast of seven fishes, and is always quite delicious). Alan and I are always a little late due to church, but after the dinner we head back to our stepgrandparents' for some gift-opening.

Now, my manager and I fight about this EVERY single GODDAMNED mother freaking year. Every year, like something is going to change about my Christmas Eve routine. She insists I can go to a different church service, that it's not fair I always request off, and I tell her that no, I can't, and no, it isn't, because she KNOWS I always come in for every shit shift she schedules me for. One night is NOT too much to ask for. Well, she went on with her jolly good self and put me on, ho-ho-ho. Funny lady. Do you know how impossible it is to get people to cover your shift on Christmas Eve? I finally had a guy say he'd probably be able to take it - he'd text me and let me know, but he was pretty sure. Suuuuuuuuuuuure he will. He's beaten around the bush with it the last three days and today he's just not answering me at all. Suck it up, grow a set and at least tell me know, you douchebag. I'd be a little less unhappy with you if you weren't being such an ass about the whole ordeal.

I can't call off because I need the hours and well it's Christmas Eve. They'd kill me. And then write me up and maybe fire me.

So, looks like I'm working. All day. By the time I get out it'll be 9, and the only thing I'll want is a shower so God knows if I'll even go anywhere for gifts.

Ho-ho-ho. Merry mother fucking Christmas to me.

I am so insanely pissed right now, you have no idea.

It's really quite sad, not only my predicament for tomorrow, but that tonight had to be ruined like this. Otherwise, I had a fan-fucking-tastic time at the Pens game with Sam. Which I'll maybe talk about later, but it ain't happenin' now. I'm way too upset to try to recapture my enjoyment of the game right now.

WHEW.

I don't know if anyone notices, but I tend to use bits and pieces of song lyrics for titles and even scattered sporadically throughout my posts on occasion. If you do, that's really cool, though there's no prize... I just wanted to point it out so that my apology for not doing so today makes any sense at all.

I guess it's been, what, a week since I've updated? My apologies! I don't really have readers, so I suppose nobody's gone into a news-deprivation-inspired coma... Which, I'm happy about! Haha. I would hate to be responsible for any untimely demises. (The paperwork's a bitch.)

Finals have come and gone (thank GOD!) and I somehow managed to survive even with ice storms and ear infections and what-have-you. We'll see when the official grade report comes out how well I did. Or perhaps how poorly I did. Meh. This semester was rough. I'm over it.

We're a week later getting out this year than we were last year, so Christmas seems to have snuck up on me all a'sudden! One minute I'm screaming "Finals SUUUUUUCK" and the next minute I'm looking at a soot-covered Santa saying, "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!" while I look on in confusion. I dunno... I absolutely love the holidays, but I'm hoping the weeks after Christmas will slow down a little bit, allow me to enjoy what precious little time I have here at home. Not to mention I have to take a good chunk of that time and dedicate it to planning out my last two semesters at Clarion, AND work on securing an internship for the summer. Of course I have an ideal gig in mind, but there are some drawbacks- 1) it is unpaid. 2) they don't release positions 'til March. 3) I don't know when they tell you if you've got it.

Issue #1 is only a problem because I really do try to pay for a lot of things myself. I contribute most of my car insurance, I keep trying to save enough to put a few bucks towards my cell phone plan (thankfully Mom keeps me on hers!), I pay for repairs/maintenance on my car and cell, and most everything I need I buy for myself. I absolutely hate asking my parents for money because they put so much into my schooling and making sure I'm going to college... you know? I don't want to be any more of a burden than I am already; believe me, I'm soooooo grateful that they've taken on a chunk of my tuition so I don't have to be in debt 'til I'm 50. College is freaking expensive! Anyway, I totally derailed my train of thought there. Getting back on track, an unpaid internship is a problem because the summer is when I make most of my money, seeing as I can get close to full time at Wendy's (that's 40 hours), plus any days I spend in the office at Amsler's. There is no doubt in my mind that I must have a job for the summer, so that means that I'm going to probably have to look into a job down in Pittsburgh or at least closer to so I'm not driving all over God's green earth and potentially running into scheduling conflicts/tardiness to either due to traffic/commuting. I'm banking right now on staying here for the summer, at home, even though if everything's in the city theoretically it'd be easier to stay there; problem is, that's even MORE money, that I don't have, than I will probably spend commuting/carpooling/taking the bus. I mean, I haven't checked those figures yet, but I think it's safe to say.

Issue #2 and #3 are only problems because this is the position that I REALLY WANT. As in, this would be the "oh-my-God-I-have-died-I-am-so-happy-I-could-cry-oh-my-God-oh-my-God-oh-my-GOD!" phone call. However, I know you can't put all of your eggs in one basket, and I need to find some other internships to apply for that, if stuck with, I don't hate. Bu-uuut... IF I got accepted for a position with another company and my ideal company calls and says hey, you're in... what the hell do you do then? Is it like a job? Can you call the first one and say I'm sorry, I was offered a better opportunity? (Without offending too many people?) I don't know, because I've had the same job for, oh wait, going on four years, and I've never done an internship.

Sigh. Anyway, I definitely need an internship, so if anybody's got any connections into any cool companies in the Pittsburgh area and do accounting-or-related internships, you should hook me up. Because that's what good people do. =)

I got home Thursday afternoon and here it is on Saturday night, and I work for the first time tomorrow. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I never really am when Wendy's is concerned. Can you blame me? It's Wendy's. I would really love not to be on window... (But of course now that I've said that, I will be. For the full nine hours.)

Some strange part of me thought that I would pen some eloquent comeback post to make up for my week-long absence... that part of me is crazy.